Why I have thoughts of being in an abusive relationship/ Chaos manifacture

I'm am creating a Chaos Manufacture. I do have thoughts of being in an abusive relationships just because the Chaos Manufacture is apart of HPD. I live it through  harsh songs.,movies,artwork,etc. about abuse instead of going out and getting into a abusive relationship for real.
I wish my boyfriend would beat me and hurt me without me asking; however, that is dangerous and harmful so I do the best I can to be in a controlled environment.


There is also BDSM

and using Plushies to act out those fantasies and desires

Remember when that woman said that if someone loves you they beat you. That is how I feel sometimes, but I know it's very dangerous to be in an uncontrolled abusive relationship. I also know it'snot true, but a part of me wants to be in an abusive relationship because of the attention I would get and because of the CF (see above) it would create. I think I love the thrill and adrenaline of it and I think I have a masochistic/sadistic side to me. I ACT these fantasies and delusions out with my boyfriend. It gives me the same thrill and rush while maintaining control of the situation.
Use your head and really understand where your desires and needs are coming from. Recognize when you want chaos in a relationship just to get that attention,rush,etc and find some other healthy way to get it.