Circular Conversations and Arguments @ Online Counseling College

"Coping With Circular Conversations - What NOT to do:

· Don’t repeat anything you have already said once.

· Don’t explain or respond to a question that you have already answered.

· Don’t engage in aggressive acts such as slamming doors or storming out.

· Don’t try to get the last word.

· Don’t wait for your feelings to be validated.

· Don’t try to change the other person’s mind. Their thoughts and beliefs and feelings are their own property.

· Don’t try to manipulate the other person’s feelings. Don’t try to make them feel guilt, remorse, sympathy etc.

·  Don’t spend time describing the other person’s behavior, feelings or actions. Focus on describing your own needs and feelings.

·  Don’t insist on agreement or consensus before the conversation can end. It’s normal and healthy for two people to arrive at disagreement, different conclusions and different interpretations of the same events.

What TO Do:




·  Recognize the pattern. Acknowledge that you are in a conversation that is just going around and around.

·  Accept that feelings aren’t inherently good or bad - they just are. You can’t control the way you feel, neither can the other person. The way you feel is just a natural reaction to what you are experiencing.

·  Switch from stating facts to stating feelings. Describe your own feelings not the other person’s. Don’t say “I feel like you are lying”. That is not a feeling. That is an opinion. Say “I feel scared” or “I feel hurt”. You don’t have to say why, just say it. The wonderful thing about stating your feelings is that nobody can contradict you, although people might try. Nobody knows or owns your feelings except you.

· End the conversation, calmly and with your dignity intact. If you like, you can say, “I need a break” or “Let’s discuss this later” and end it there."

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