Loving Someone Who Has BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) by Debbie Corso

"The outward behaviors exhibited (creating drama so you won’t leave, crying hysterically, threatening to hurt one’s self) may seem and even actually be manipulative in nature, but I know when looking back on my own issues in this area and in my conversations with my students who are working hard to learn effective Interpersonal Effectiveness skills, the manipulation was not done maliciously.  It was a desperate means of trying to create and secure a sense of safety in my/their world when intense, terrifying feelings would arise.

So what can you do?  Loving someone who has BPD can have its challenges, but it can also have its rewards.  Underneath it all, emotionally sensitive people are some of the most compassionate and empathetic people I know (as am I!), and as they continue to work on their issues and become healthier in relationships, they can make some of the best friends. What was most helpful to me from loved ones when I suffered the most was, instead of judgment, expressions of disapproval, and “tough love” (which can really trigger an emotionally sensitive person to spiral down), was an acknowledgment or validation of my suffering.  Something like, “I can see how fearful it’s making you that I’m going away. I want you to know that my need to go to XYZ doesn’t mean I love you any less, or that anything is wrong with our relationship.”  A hug was also very comforting at such times.

Remember that validating a loved one can work wonders and it doesn’t mean that you approve of, completely understand or believe that her or his behaviors are rational or acceptable.  You are just meeting the person where she or he is, acknowledging that her or his experience is very real. It’s not that often that people with BPD or who are emotionally sensitive receive this type of understanding.  In addition to validation, learning all you can about BPD and DBT, including first hand accounts from those of us who have overcome the disorder and are in recovery (no longer meeting the criteria for the diagnosis) can be very helpful and encouraging.

If you are a person with BPD or who is emotionally sensitive, can you relate to being misunderstood as being manipulative, malicious, etc.?  What do you wish that loved ones knew about the pain beneath these behaviors?"

Read Debbie's entire article about Loving someone with BPD